Am I still fighting to be the one and only? Are we all wanting this position? Where you have full attention from people you love and respect most? Where your opinions are not tossed aside and where you do not have to raise your voice to be heard?
When you speak, it does not go out void? People pretend to hear but are not influenced by what you say. (Is that why I can be so persuasive?) It is as if everyone has teflon ears who allow you to momentarily step out of your birth position to be.
I want to be treated equally. Is this still a pursuit of mine? Over 50 years later...
Is this why I still enjoy being on stage? Is this why performance is such a crucial part of my life? Whether it be teaching up front in a classroom setting to a group, or literally on stage with a band?
Is that the place I know I will finally be recognized and given a chance to be heard?
Do I expect the same treatment or more in my personal life?
I don't ever feel I am number one in anyone's life. I am usually number 2, behind my children, sports, career, business, recreation.
Could it be also from my upbringing where Dad was difficult to find alone, when found, he was to be shared? Shared by 3 siblings, a Mother, and hundreds of others in the congregation?
Am I being too demanding to be included in my spouse's smallest decisions? Could it be that because I am already in the mind set and second place position, that I get so fired up and defensive?
Too many questions, too many possible answers.
God, thank you for the questions. Help me to find a place in you, and no one else.
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