A Pang of Pain

I saw her handwriting, her signature, I just had to run my fingers over it. I miss her. I miss Mom so much, After four years, you would think it wouldn't hurt so bad. Small things always pop up, on a daily basis.
I hear a song, I see a jewelry box, I smell the brewing of bean milk, even the color yellow bring her fresh to my yearning.

So many things don't matter until your loved one is gone.
Then all the small things matter.

They are like tumors that are always there, uncomfortable, but would swell and almost burst at the hint of a memory. They never go away, they may shrink for the moment, but in the blink of an eye, they explode and send pain, deep, intense pain in and out of your heart.

You instantaneously feel depressed, as if your body is exhausted and recovering from the sudden explosion. You collapse, stop what you are doing, all just to sit, and do absolutely nothing.
You stare into air, you remember.
You can't move, you can only think of her and know the vacant, deep void inside is all yours.

"I should be dead by now, the pain is so strong. How do I go on?" I amaze myself.

I miss you so much, why didn't I know how much I loved you when you were still with me? Everyday, I keep learning just that.
I learn that I still love you more today than yesterday.

Still fighting to be first born?

Am I still fighting to be the one and only? Are we all wanting this position? Where you have full attention from people you love and respect most? Where your opinions are not tossed aside and where you do not have to raise your voice to be heard?
When you speak, it does not go out void? People pretend to hear but are not influenced by what you say. (Is that why I can be so persuasive?) It is as if everyone has teflon ears who allow you to momentarily step out of your birth position to be.

I want to be treated equally. Is this still a pursuit of mine? Over 50 years later...
Is this why I still enjoy being on stage? Is this why performance is such a crucial part of my life? Whether it be teaching up front in a classroom setting to a group, or literally on stage with a band?
Is that the place I know I will finally be recognized and given a chance to be heard?

Do I expect the same treatment or more in my personal life?
I don't ever feel I am number one in anyone's life. I am usually number 2, behind my children, sports, career, business, recreation.
Could it be also from my upbringing where Dad was difficult to find alone, when found, he was to be shared? Shared by 3 siblings, a Mother, and hundreds of others in the congregation?

Am I being too demanding to be included in my spouse's smallest decisions? Could it be that because I am already in the mind set and second place position, that I get so fired up and defensive?

Too many questions, too many possible answers.
God, thank you for the questions. Help me to find a place in you, and no one else.

Two desks

Two desks, fronts pressed against the other, facing each other, sitting in a showroom. I had to stop. Suddenly I saw you at your desks, busy working, on the phones, chattering back and forth to each other. Just as quickly, I began to tear up.
I tried to walk by the pair, but found myself back stepping. I called out to Bob, as I pointed to the desks, "What does that remind you of?" Without hesitation he saw it too, "Your parents."

Enough said. I miss you, again and again. You pop up every day in one form or another. Sometimes I will soak in the pain, sometimes I have to brush it away. Somehow when I hurt, it is almost as if you are with me, so I prefer to dwell in the suffering. It reminds me of you, even though it revives so much agony.

At least now I always end my moments with the comforting thought that you are together again. Just like the desks, at the other side of the mirror.

Only one regret

I was born into a loving, incredible pioneering of the faith family.

I never went hungry, always had clothes, good education, able to travel, married my soul mate, had 3 healthy, beautiful children.

Memories are vibrant in color and sweet in flavor. The branches of my family and kids, friends have been joyful, satisfying.

I live in a country where my freedoms can freely run, where I can fulfill any dream I dare to dream.

I have everything!

If I die tomorrow, I will have only one wish. That I spend every living moment walking with my God, hand in hand. The kind of walk that Enoch walked. They were such good friends, so intimate, there was no definition between the spiritual world and the physical. There was no time, no rules, no rituals, no religion, it was pure companionship.

One day, as they walked and talked, God took him. That was it, no needed explanation. Done deal, no transition, just another walk down the path of his life.

That is what its all about. That is all I am called to do!

Relax, enjoy Him, His presence and His creation. Why is it so hard?

Oh, how I long to do that, every waking moment of my life. That is my only regret.

Europe: Notes to self

I already forgot so much! Its only been a few weeks!

Don't forget about what you loved:
1. They don't stare at you, yet you know they care and would help if you needed.
2. They are energy conscious: small cars, no a/c till July 1st, in the hotel -all electricity is controlled by your card key, so when you leave, the lights go off! , they walk, they share bikes, if they must, they drive small cars and motorcycles. There are streets only open for pedestrians.
3. They are slender: No fat people walking around, they give smaller portions in food, eat slowly, walk, walk, walk.
4. They speak quietly: Only heard loud voices from Americans!
5. They are kind, even in traffic jams, there is a sense of community, no road rage.
6. They dress well and modestly. Women rarely even have sleeveless on, no low cut necklines, short shorts.
7. They don't seem to be hung up on breasts, T&A, plastic surgery, sex, many are flat chested but that is fine. Sex seems to just be another factor of life, not an obsession.
8. Pace of living, even in the city, is not stressed, seems to be a natural flow of its synergy.
9. There were few people who used cell phones in public.
10. Kids well behaved, even teens in the streets.
11. Generally safe.
12. Rich in history, everywhere!
13. They don't waste as much: eating all of the animal parts, recycle everywhere, each trash can is separated into 3 parts.

Don't forget about what you did not like:
1. People do not smile.
2. No ice in drinks (I didn't really care, but Bob did)
3. There is lack of customer service attitude and personnel. Rare to see someone offering help in the train stations, airport, stores.
4. Some places cars do not stop, not as organized in their street and highway systems.
5. There is mainly meat, bread or rice in restaurants. Not much selection.
6. Hotels are not equipped with the usual American tastes, very bare, only essentials.
7. Everything is smaller, doorways, halls, cars, chairs, people, cute but not if you are over six feet with long legs.
8. Expect to pay extra for everything, esp the tourist attractions.
9. Bull fighting.
10. No number system for waiting, everyone just stands around and hopes to be noticed next.
11. Want to invent a plastic see through bubble for Americans to wear so the people do not crowd you, NO PERSONAL SPACE ALLOWED.
12. Not much flavor in foods.
13. You cannot depend on consistency, or information to be announced, you are all alone if the train schedules change, gates of planes will change, you must be a lover of spontanous living.

Don't forget the weird stuff:
1. You better love mayonnaise, it is everywhere on everything, even when you ask for ketchup, it will not be red.
2. Although people dress modestly, at the beach they are not hesitant to be naked or almost, this includes both genders.
3. Lots of churches but not much faith.
4. Barely saw any Black people. Chinese only sold illegal DVDs and had restaurants.
5. Kinda cool and weird, every city had its own old castle and wall.
6. Everything is room temperature, food, drinks, fruit.

Go Ahead and Call me ...

Dearest Mason Gregory,

Before you came, "Grandma" was not an option. Who wants to be old enough to have a grandson?

Who wants to be nick named "Granny?" Images of wrinkle faced women, holding over sized brown vinyl bags, dressed in upholstery designed fabrics scare me.

But oh, the joy! When I first held you, 16 hours after you emerged from the womb, it didn't matter. I was proud to be your Grandma. I was so filled with thanksgiving for you, delivered straight from heaven.

Only God could have created such an unexplanably perfect bundle.

I never thought I would adore anyone as much as I adored my very own babies.

Holding you, seeing you, is truly a spiritual experience.

There is a God.

And He is so good to me,

Grandma Gulley

I wish

I wish you would hold my hand, when we walk the beach.
I wish you would kiss me, before you walked out that door.
I wish you would say you were proud of me, instead of reading it in the papers.
I wish you would tell me how pretty I was, instead of hearing it at the party.
I wish you would reach out and hold me, when we watch the news.
I wish you would say I Love You before you fell asleep.


I wish I didn't need to hear compliments from you to know you are aware.
I wish I didn't need your touch to remember you love me.
I wish I didn't need to hear that you care.

But I do, no matter how confident I may seem.
I do, no matter how long we have been together.
I do, no matter how old I am.

Am I asking too much of you? I keep wondering how you grew up, that these simple things don't seem to come to your mind. I see you doing it to others, why not me?

You cook me dinner to say I love you.
You buy me a candy bar to say I am sorry.
You email me a sweet note that you do care.
Your silence means you are aware.

Although I still long for my language of love, and while I wait,

I will hold your hand when we walk the beach.
I will kiss you before I walk out that door.
I will say how proud I am of you before the papers do.
I will tell you how handsome you are before someone else does.
I will reach out and hold you when we watch the news.
I will say I Love You before I fall asleep.

Because I believe wishes do come true.